Résumé for an Eight a Year Old Boy

“Son, put on your helmet!”

“Mom, I don’t need it!”

“Yes, you do. Now that you’re brave enough to do stunts, you HAVE to wear your helmet.”

“Mom, they are not stunts, they are tricks. There IS a difference.”

Future Stunt Man
I was delighted but a little nervous when I found out I was having a boy. I had far more experience with raising girls thanks to my many nieces. It’s been a wild ride ever since my little man arrived. If I were to have written, pre-child, a résumé for what I believed was an eight-year old boy, my son would certainly have gotten the job (as would many athletic little girls). Having watched him, especially in the last year, I have determined that such a résumé must include (but is not limited to):

1) Must be inclined and able to jump off any raised surface.
2) Must climb everything in the form of a vertical column.
3) Must negotiate, cajole and otherwise attempt to manipulate mother into allowing every hair-brained idea that pops into his head.
4) Must be able to name most Transformers, most of the Avengers and the Justice League and EVERY Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
5) Must be a video game aficionado.
6) Must skin knees or elbows weekly and have no recollection of how said injuries occurred.
7) Must frequently make fart jokes and laugh hysterically at body noises.
8) Must know the difference between a trick and a stunt. (Apparently, this is vital for achieving #3.)
9) Must be able to use the words “awesome,” “epic” and “overpowered” in a sentence.
10) Must know how to eat Reddiwip from the nozzle.
11) Must laugh at all slap stick humor.
12) Must be good at sweating.
13) Must take baseball glove and ball everywhere.
14) Must be reasonably good at riding a bicycle, a Y-Fliker, a Penny board and a Razor, preferably all within a half an hour of each other.
15) Must refuse to brush his hair, EVERY DAY.
16) Must be able to find magic in everything, including loom bracelets that double as his superhero charms.

The résumé increases every day. He’s constantly coming up with new ways to entertain himself and others around him. I am looking forward to discovering every day what my little man has in store in his infinite imagination. It is incumbent upon me to foster and encourage all of the crazy ideas he has while making sure that none of them land him in the ER. So far, so good. Wish me luck.

NOTE: There are plenty of arguments for widening the definition of gender identification in children, and I applaud those parents who are experiencing the challenges of having children that identify outside what are considered biological norms. They have to redefine for themselves what normal looks like to the rest of the world, and that is a tough row to hoe. If this list applies to your eight year old girl, then hold on tight, she’s gonna be a force to be reckoned with.

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